Beastly at La Vie de Laurie

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Beastly

By Laurie | March 17, 2011

So Dave was out of town on business for a few days which basically gave me the excuse to hang out at the mall every night and shop. I know, poor me.

Last night I decided to see a movie instead of driving all the way home and back to the airport to pick him up. I selected Beastly. To be fair I didn’t know much about it other it is loosely based on Beauty and the Beast, which happens to be my most favorite folk tale (or fairytale if you’d prefer.) Also, I’ve seen practically everything else that is currently out.

This movie was wrong. All wrong. It was Twilight bad. Before you call me a hypocrite, I have freely admitted that I have seen all of the Twilight Saga movies more than once. I actually own them. I will also see Breaking Dawn, probably at a press screening before it comes out. I am a fan of the books (well, mostly the first two) but I digress; we’re talking about Beastly here.

If I were 14 I would have liked Beastly (or even Twilight for that matter). My problem is that the “modern twist” on the story was lame, the acting was awful, the characters were boring, and did I mention the acting was awful? Clearly the Olson twins haven’t gotten any better since the Full House days when “You Got it Dude” was the catchphrase du joir and someone had to feed them their lines off camera. Vanessa Hudgens isn’t much better either.

Also if you’re going to do a Beauty and the Beast movie, you might want to make the “beast” I dunno… Beastly? I mean that is the name of the movie after all. Instead they cast Alex Pettyfer. I’ve never heard of him. I looked him up – only so I wouldn’t look dumb just in case he’s on Gossip Girl or something else popular that is not on my radar. He’s not. Instead I discovered he’s also in I am Number Four, but that is about it other than being rumored for the lead in quite a few upcoming high profile movies. I didn’t think he was all that good looking, but do yourself a favor and check out his profile on IMDB. Apparently he’s British and looks really good in black and white. You’re welcome.

Pettyfer and Hudgens

The whole premise of the movie is that he’s a spoiled rich kid who relies on his good looks to get ahead in life (barf), while actually being really ugly on the inside. (Double barf.) As a punishment for dissing a high school witch (it’s even lamer than it sounds), she curses him with tats and scars. He basically has a year to convince someone to say “I love you” or be stuck in that form forever. Bwhahahaha! That was my witch impression in case it wasn’t clear.

Personally I think he became better looking when he was transformed into the beast, but I have also had a lifelong crush on Billy Corgan so it might just be me. I’m totally okay with that. I was distracted the entire movie and was thinking about how I’d rather be somewhere else listening to Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.

Beastly vs. Billy

Beauty and the Beast is also my favorite Disney cartoon, although I loved the story long before that. I checked the book out at the library when I was 11 and was enchanted. Here’s how Beastly and the Disney version compare:

Kyle is cursed with piercings, tattoos and a few unsightly scars.

A prince is cursed with a hairy wolf-man exterior.

Result: The prince totally got the short end of the stick.

Kyle is cursed after humiliating a high school witch at a “Green” party.

A prince is cursed after refusing a night’s shelter to an enchantress in a green dress.

Result: The enchantress’ role is much less prominent, but you’ll wish Mary-Kate Olson’s was.

Beastly: Kyle has a year (until the white roses on his tattoo fall off) to convince someone to love him despite his “ugly” exterior.

Beauty and the Beast: The prince has until his 21st birthday (when all the petals on a rose will fall off) to convince someone to love him despite his “wolf-like” exterior.

Result: While Kyle only has one year to find love, if he doesn’t it’s no big. Did I mention he looks like Billy Corgan except with tattoos and piercings? Just checking.