« Wisk: Then and Now | Home | Safeway Box Tops for Education Giveaway »
Direction, or lack thereof
By Laurie | August 19, 2010
I haven’t been writing lately because I just don’t feel like I have anything to say. I wish I could count myself among the bloggers who bare their souls for the whole world to see. You know, the ones who always have something poignant and deep to share. The ones who seem to triumph over personal tragedies and come out on the other side of dark times with inspiring and witty prose. Me? I’ve got nothing.
I used to talk about more personal things, but believe it or not that only got me in trouble. I lost friendships over misunderstandings and jealousy, and other tidbits of my life were misconstrued and used against me in arguments. It became just not worth it anymore. I’m pretty private, and there is no way I could really write some of the things I think and feel anyway. I just don’t have it in me to expose my dirty laundry, even if it is probably a lot cleaner than most of yours.
I want to have an I-don’t-care-what-you-think-about-me mentality, but the truth is I do care. I don’t want to hurt feelings, embarrass, or disappoint others. I don’t want to make anyone worry. So I sit silent and thoughts go unwritten. Sometimes I wish I had the luxury of anonymity, but that is not going to happen here. Ever. This is La Vie de Laurie. From the look of it, that life is at a standstill. I am waiting for something extraordinary to happen. Something, anything that is going to bring me out of this funk.
I remember when I was 18 and I just couldn’t wait to be 21. I was dying for the freedom and excitement of the unknown. The time between those years moved so s l o w l y, but it finally came. Now, in my 30s, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I’m not sure what there is to look forward to. Time is moving 100 miles per hour. There never seems to be enough time or money. There are things I want to do and experience, but I feel selfish and sad for wanting them when other people are suffering and struggling around me.
I’m on autopilot. Alarm at 5:00 AM. Snooze until 5:30 AM. Get up. Wash face. Brush teeth. Shower. Dry hair. Do makeup. Get dressed. Walk dog. Take meds. Hug/kiss husband goodbye. Drive to work. Sit at work. Have breakfast. Nap at lunch in car or storage closet (yes, really). Have lunch at desk. Drive to gym. Work out. Drive home. Walk dog. Greet husband. Eat dinner. Compute. Watch TV. Walk dog. Brush teeth. Wash face. Go to bed. Lather. Rise. Repeat.
Am I alone? Does anyone else out there feel like something is missing? Like you should be doing something else? And if you are doing something else, how did you go about doing it? I’m feeling kind of lost and could use some direction.
I have to go. It’s time for my nap in the storage closet, which could actually double as a metaphor for my life right now.
Topics: Daily Ramble | 3 Comments »
Oh, girl, I am soooo with you. And I believe more people feel like this than will cop to it. Shift the times a little (I’m up at 4, no snooze), change dog to cat, drop the husband, and my mid-30s life is very similar. My autopilot/inertia is one of the things that led me to The 3-Day. I think we’re all just kind of figuring it out as we go. And that’s about as deep as I get.
Posted by: CatP.S. I’m just a little jealous of your nap.
I am right there with you to a tee. At this point my day to day is exactly just as predictable and I’m in this funk of I don’t want to do what I’m doing career wise for the rest of my life much less til Im 35. I’m so waiting for some major thing to happen that it’s driven me stir crazy.
Posted by: Jean M.I feel that I’m in jail for 9 hours a day and once I’ve finally been “freed” I feel like 9 hours of the world went by and I wasn’t a part of it.
I’ve also been in a blog funk and have so much to say and on my mind with the stresses of the hubs finding work and everything else in between but I don’t feel right blogging about it.
..don’t feel alone because your not!
[...] often these days), and looked back through my blog just now adter writing the above only to find this post where I said pretty much the same thing almost exactly a year [...]
Posted by: Recycled Feelings at La Vie de Laurie on August 22nd, 2011 at 3:04 pm